Last month, I wanted to escape from the confines of the
Fortress of Solitude, my home base and go to the I.A.S. annual conference for
intellectual stimulation as well as the entertainment value. This was held at a
designated military friendly college in northern ``fly over country`` which for
reasons of anonymity I will call the University of Narnia, a state which like
the fictional world of C.S. Lewis magic or in this case magical thinking is
common and good (Jesus) battles evil (Liberals etc.). Originally I had thought
that ``military friendly`` meant the faculty wore fatigues and the college
cafeteria served MREs but it was more like the college ROTC re-enacting the
Battle of Wounded Knee and a demonstration of an armed predator drone scouting
the border and making incursions into the Great White North looking for targets
of opportunity. I used the names of some of the characters in the Narnia series
of books by C. S. Lewis to represent the various academic archetypes present at
the conference.
Name: Aslan
Profile: Master of his realm. Talks in Old English. Has the
rock star quality of Bernard-Henri Lévy in his prime, Camus’s instinct
for justice and the courage of Malraux. Refers to the female members of the
society in Pope John Paul’s litany of “little sisters``. Sees anchorites in terms
of spirituality and hagiography. Makes keynote speech. Divorced. Only dates women under 25 like Hugh Hefner.
Writing sample:
Ther-efter anan-riht ure Leafdi uht-song - ant seggeth o this wise: yef hit is werc-dei, falleth to ther eorthe; yef hit is hali-dei, buhinde sum-deal dune-ward seggeth Paternoster ant Credo ba stille. Rihteth ow up th'refter ant seggeth, Domine, labia meaaperies. Makieth on ower muth a creoiz with the thume. Ed Deus in adiutorium, a large creoiz with the thume ant with the twa fingres, from buve the forheaved dun to the breoste, ant falleth to the eorthe - yef hit is werc-dei with Gloria Patri, other buheth dune-ward, yef hit [is] hali-dei athet Sicut erat. Thus ed euch Gloria Patri anted te biginnunge of the Venite, ant i the Venite, ed Venite, adoremus, ant ed te Ave, Maria, ant hwer-se ye eaver hereth Maries nome i-nempnet, ant ed euch Pater noster thet falle to ower ures ant to the Credo ant to the collecte ed eaver-euch tide, ant ed te leate-meste vers of eaver-euch ymne, ant ed te leaste vers withuten an of the salm, Benedicite, omnia opera Domini, Domino. Ed alle thes ilke, yef hit is hali-dei, buhethsum-del dune-wart. Yef hit is werc-dei, falleth to ther eorthe. Ed te biginnunge of eaver- euch tide, with Deus in adiutorium, makieth rode-taken as ich ear tahte. Ed Veni, Creator buheth other cneolith efter thet te dei is. With Memento, salutis auctor, falleth eaver adun, ant ed tis word, Nascendo formam sumpseris, cusseth the eorthe, ant alswa i the Te Deum laudamus, ed tis word: Non horruisti virginis uterum, ant ed te messe i the muchele Credo, ed ex Maria Virgine ant Homo factus est.(A. W.)
Habitat: Fancy pants
Ivy League school
Favourite activity: Giving ten point forced choice likert
scale tests to reclusives.
Response to Why God never got tenure at any university:
“Sure he created the universe but what has he done lately?”
Name: White witch
Profile: Feminist. Founding member of the French feminist
group, Chiennes de garde whose motto is “Contre les insultes sexists
publiques”. Sees anchoress as proto feminists. Has homicidal fantasies about Aslan. Makes introductory speech and almost chokes on compliments about the keynote speaker. Never Married.
Writing sample:
Nous, Chiennes de garde, nous montrons les crocs, pour impressionner les machos, pour nous faire respecter, pour défendre des femmes insultées.
ATTENTION ! Grrrrrrrrrrr… ! Nous pourrions faire mal si nous étions très en colère, si nous ne nous contrôlions plus. Imaginez qu'il existe des Chiennes enragées, très dangereuses. Imaginez qu'elles soient dirigées par une terrrrible cheffe de meute, qui décide de s'attaquer aux machos criminels, ceux qui battent, qui violent, qui tuent des femmes, des faibles. Imaginez qu'elle lance son horrrrible cri de guerre : « Sus aux machos ! Lâchez les Chiennes ! Ksssss kssss ! Mordez-les ! Pas de quartier ! » STOP ! C'était un cauchemar. Revenons aux Chiennes de garde, si pacifiques ! Ouf ! Nous ne sommes pas des Chiennes méchantes,
mais nous ne sommes pas non plus de braves chiennes bien gentilles, qu'on fait rentrer à la niche avec un susucre. Nous disons : « J'aboie, donc je suis… féministe et solidaire. » Et attention, les machos ! (website)
Habitat: Gingerbread house
Favourite activity: Eating students. (Preferably male)
Response to Why God never got tenure at any university:
“He had only one major publication which was written in Hebrew,
had no references and wasn’t published in a referred journal.”
Name: Shasta a.k.a Golden Boy
Profile: Like Shasta in C. S. Lewis’ Narnia kidnapped as a
boy and raised as a fisherman’s son in a remote village but in reality royal heir to Aslan. Uses Derrida’s “Sous rature”
especially in articles refuting White Witch’s papers on Anchorites. Married to second wife who was a former student.
Writing sample:
White witch’s contention that anchorites were “promiscuous in female – female eroticism due to the privacy of the anchor hold which acted as a liminal space permitted by medieval theological constructs of the spiritual fallen nature of women in general” is another example of her extrapolations of the vague suppositions of medieval male writings acting as a mirror to the sexual insecurities and speculations of the clerical class and also White witch’s Eurocentric perceptions which are at odds with modern day inter disciplinary interpretations as well as the conclusions of any serious scholar of the anchorite field known to me. Positing a “lesbian void” based on the architecture of the anchor hold and the inferred permission granted by the Ancrene Wisse and other texts is laughable and unworthy of a noted scholar engaged in a form of historical revisionism and reconstruction of implied events. I defer to Aslan’s commonly accepted analysis of the phenomena which is at odds with White witch’s conjectures and creative reinterpretation of the facts. I grant that being private was an unusual circumstance in the communal housing arrangements of the medieval age but one cannot project social and sexual modifications of behaviour from mere opportunity.
Habitat: R-1 University
Favourite activity: Bragging about his tenured position,
lack of service obligations and teaching requirements
Response to Why God never got tenure at any university:
“He rarely showed up in class and told his students to read
the Book. ``
Name: Green witch a.k.a Iron Butterfly
Profile: Feminist. White witch’s adjunct during the
conference and far Eastern member of society. Ghost writer of Soshokukei
Danshi Ojo-man Ga Nippon wo Kaeru (The Herbivorous Ladylike Men Are Changing
Japan). Goal to do yubi-tsume [（指詰め・ゆびつめ）: The act of slicing off a part of the pinky
finger to atone for an error.] on Golden Boy.
Writing sample:
In Japanese but also a screen writer for the Japanese TV
series Otomen. The title, "Otomen" is a pun made of the Japanese word
otome (乙女), meaning "young lady" or
"mistress", and the English word "men". (正宗
飛鳥, Masamune Asuka) is the main character. See the video below:
Habitat: University of Tokyo
Favourite activity: Carrying out giri （義理・ぎり）: debt or
obligation. A complex concept of duty unique to Japanese culture which
demonstrates both the gratitude one has for an act of kindness and the
obligation to carry out revenge. Always carries a can of mace [催涙スプレー (さいるいスプレー, sairui spray which
translates directly as “tear spray”]
Response to Why God never got tenure at any university:
"Almost every one of His students failed His tests although
there were only ten requirements."
Name: Nikabrik a.k.a Platinum kid
Profile: Up and comer. Entertains White witch in her homicidal
fantasies about Aslan when the Master isn’t around. Always carries a worn copy
of the MLA Style Guide. Goal to be the modern version of Gaius Maecenas. Knows
how to suck up in eight languages. Single but hoping to hook up at the conference.
Writing sample:
This is another example of Aslan’s profound understanding of the nature of the theological and social implications of the anchorite calling….etc.
Habitat: Mid western remedial and custodial educational institute
Favourite activity: networking
Response to Why God never got tenure at any university:
"He expelled His initial two students for learning."
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